Agenda

The meeting just ended and everyone has left. I am seated in an empty room surrounded by silence. My mind, in contrast to the environment seems to be trying to attain silence.

It seems that everyone has an agenda for my life but God. No. Seriously. I am all but being ordered about by friends, circumstance, myself.

Actually, it feels dumb to involve God. The words people are saying make so much sense but my spirit is just restless. Ahh! That is the word I was looking for. Restless. Not burdened. Not confused but restless.
How can we, a people, who call God our own – believe so little in His direction? “Just do”, “use your circumstances to guide you”… When I look at the Israelites I see clearly that God desperatly wanted to be involved in their lives. But this is in direct opposition to my life and the advice solicitated from friends and that that is offered anyway.

Do I allow you to have the power and influence over me to direct my life because it makes common sense? The answer is yes. It doesnt sound right but it happens all the time. It’s happening right now as I right this. There are just some things that we think we shouldnt bother praying about because unanimously people have seen our struggle and have given up on God being able to change the situation. Enough. If it was meant to me there should be peace. The peace of God. No struggle. No strife. Is it because we really care, have askes God his opinion on someone else’s behalf or it is because we are tired of having to listen to their drama.

My mind wanders to the garden when Jesus was praying to the point of sweating blood. I wonder, was that in the peace of God as well? The assumption is the peace of God alludes to the will of God. It was the will of God that that whip slap across his back and that the repetitive whipping cause tearing of flesh – and that raw flesh be whipped some more until blood covered the bear skin. This was the will of God. So where is the so called peace of God? Or do you think Jesus did not scream out in pain? The very Jesus who sweated blood. Maybe the whipping is too graphic for you – How about the nails driven into him? The crown of thorns on his head.

45 minutes later, I am still seated in this empty room, paralyzed. Paralyzed by the entire notion of it.

On the one hand, I have the advice – in some cases, the demand. The human voices convinced that that is/wasnt God. On the other hand, the quiet.

The quiet. Without ‘peace’. Without supernatural blazing graphics or spectacular sound effects.  With alot of questions.

Just quiet.

The stain of Grace

The truth is I do not trust God with my stuff, issues, challenges, hurt, pain because the God of today is weak. He wraps Himself is grace and is only of use to those who are against me.

His hand never tires of correcting me. He never tires of rebuking me but when the tables are turned, there he is with the Grace shield and sword drawn.

This is the God in my head, this is the God that I perceive. The one who no longer disciplines because of this term grace. This phenomenon called grace. Oh grace, the stench you have left behind fills my nostrils with doubt and mistrust.

Do I have need for a grace stained God who only sees my wrong?
How should I trust a being who is so quick to forgive others but punish me?
Did I sell out to propaganda? Has my view of God and Grace been distorted? I do not think so, for this is what my Church and Church folk talk about.

Where is the God that this Bible of mine talks about?
The one who defends His childre, Who reveals Himself to them.
The one who charges against those who dare to have the audacity to speak out against them.
The one who encourages His weary children through messengers and visions.
The one who sent His son because of the love He had for His children.

Where is this God?
I fear my God is missing!

Parlysis

Today.
Today, I was arrested by the paralysis of my humanity.
Today, immobility was the portion I bore through out the day.

I have heard of hard days.
I have heard of days when nothing seems worth is anymore. Yes, today was one of those days.
The promises of the night before were all but lost in the anguish that arose with the sunrise.

Today, I was not a King incharge of a territory.
Today, I was just a daughter yearning to hear the voice of her father.

The paralysis of my humanity arrested me today.

Read it again…

I have been in love with this verse since I was first drawn to it 7 years ago…

It is one of those verses that has never really left, my tendency has been that there are several times when different scriptures speak to me. It is in those times, that I am always quick to throw out the last scripture and move on to the next scripture. Completely obliterated the last scripture, the last lessons learned and just set sail on the new course.

1e8901a97fa699418de261d7a210e577However, you want to know what I was doing – Was, who am I kidding – What I have caught myself doing is quite funny. I only realized it today and I instinctively felt God give me one of those knowing looks.

So the verse in Psalms 37:4 and it simply says, Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Well, I have been reading it as:

“He will give you the desires of your heart if you delight yourself in him.”

It looks similar, doesn’t it? However, if there is anything I have learned from my GodIs Bible Study is that God is very very very detailed. He does not just allow for scripture to be written in how and let the interpretation just roll off.

I am still laughing at this realization. I know that it seems like such a subtle thing and that techncally it means the same thing, but I just feel like God is very intentional and the more I down play it, the more I live missing out on the things that God is planning.

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Okay, Let’s look at it this way, I like to believe that God has plans for my life. I like to believe that God will ensure to work out all things for my good but if he is not into the details, then tell me: How exactly is He supposed to do all these things that He has said He will.

When I switched the sentences in the verse, you know how I begin to think: Figure out what your hearts desire is, then now attempt to try the delighting yourself in God business. Oh Boy, this has been the most dramatic, intense misunderstanding of scripture that has cost me endless hours of going before God and insisting on why he is not following through on His word as He has promised. His response to me. Psalms 37:4. Every single time. He just kept bringing the same verse back – and I would just gloss over it and rush to the praying and declaring and decreeing.

The really interesting thing, or you might say mystical thing, is that my spirit knew I was not reading the scripture right. How? Well, every time I thought about it, every time I would try to begin with my desire, I would never get anywhere – why? Because my desires keep changing and for the life of me I cannot figure out why! If this does not happen to you, then good for you, but for me… this is my confusion. I would go to God and say, why is this scripture in here? Why? When you know what my heart. When you know what goes in the deep crevices of my soul. You know I would never be able to accurately articulate what I want, but you on the other hand, Lord, you know what exactly I need. You know what exactly would be good for me.

b5b49ba139d862305d05966392019063Now it makes sense, Delight yourself in the Lord, concern yourself with that, then “He will give you the desires of your heart”. He will give them to you. Not figure out your desires. This verse does not says, understand your desires. Nope. It is very clear. Actually, it is so clear, I am not even sure how I would have mixed it up. Or how I could have even started thinking that way.

Like all things in life, this scripture begins with GOD. Look to God, Look to delighting yourself in Him. According to Google, to delight is to please someone greatly or to take great pleasure. So translated, this verse to me, means “Allow yourself to be greatly please by God. Take great pleasure in God.

Imagine that, God telling me to take pleasure in Him. I feel blasphemous even thinking about it. Like to look up to him and just smile that secret smile because you know the secret. It really is such treasure. Such a treasure. To allow myself to be delighted in God. I say allow because I know for a fact that there are always a million things that try to steal and capture your attention. It really takes a conscious effort to remain delighted in God… the rest, the rest is the promise – the rest is God’s business.

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Stop the micro-management

Just when I thought worry and doubt would be my biggest concerns and headaches… Then God shows up and says, “Stop trying to micromanage me.”

I of course look at him in all innocence and say, I have no idea what you mean.

He then says, “Look at your mind. You are filled with you version of what if scenarios… Enough to complete an entire 7 seasons of 40 minutes of prime time.”

I go on the defensive immediately, “Look, how is this my fault again, this is the way you made me, isn’t it?”

He responds, and you can almost hear the smile in his voice, “I made you creative, that is right. Creative in me. For everything that is apart from me has no life. Creativity begins in me. If you give you the thought. The word. The seed. Then dwell on it. But you have no business coming up with your own ideas based on your need for micromanagement.”

I have now moved into full pout mode at this point… “I dont even know what you mean by micromanage”, I retort.

“To micromanage in you case is whenever you dream up a random scenario and then start leaving breadcrumbs intended for me to follow. Subtly hinting at random promises that you quote completely out of context. Micromanage is  knowing that there is a solution but coming up with you own and then showing up to me and saying… This other idea is also a good idea.

No, Daphie – you need to stop trying to micromanage your creator – I know what I am doing.”

 

 

Though you slay me…

My housemate just sent me this song and for the life of me I have never been even more aware of God’s finger moving around the pieces of the puzzle.

Nothing is meaningless.
Nothing in our lives is for naught.
Nothing we go through is meaningless.

Several posts ago, I wrote about Roms 8:28… All things, it says. All things.

I am standing.
I am daring to believe in it.
I am daring to say that NOTHING I have gone through is for naught.
GOD is working… Something is coming.
I am daring to believe in His ‘thing’.
I am daring to lift my eyes to God and say… I am expectant.
I will not be deterred.