The meeting just ended and everyone has left. I am seated in an empty room surrounded by silence. My mind, in contrast to the environment seems to be trying to attain silence.
It seems that everyone has an agenda for my life but God. No. Seriously. I am all but being ordered about by friends, circumstance, myself.
Actually, it feels dumb to involve God. The words people are saying make so much sense but my spirit is just restless. Ahh! That is the word I was looking for. Restless. Not burdened. Not confused but restless.
How can we, a people, who call God our own – believe so little in His direction? “Just do”, “use your circumstances to guide you”… When I look at the Israelites I see clearly that God desperatly wanted to be involved in their lives. But this is in direct opposition to my life and the advice solicitated from friends and that that is offered anyway.
Do I allow you to have the power and influence over me to direct my life because it makes common sense? The answer is yes. It doesnt sound right but it happens all the time. It’s happening right now as I right this. There are just some things that we think we shouldnt bother praying about because unanimously people have seen our struggle and have given up on God being able to change the situation. Enough. If it was meant to me there should be peace. The peace of God. No struggle. No strife. Is it because we really care, have askes God his opinion on someone else’s behalf or it is because we are tired of having to listen to their drama.
My mind wanders to the garden when Jesus was praying to the point of sweating blood. I wonder, was that in the peace of God as well? The assumption is the peace of God alludes to the will of God. It was the will of God that that whip slap across his back and that the repetitive whipping cause tearing of flesh – and that raw flesh be whipped some more until blood covered the bear skin. This was the will of God. So where is the so called peace of God? Or do you think Jesus did not scream out in pain? The very Jesus who sweated blood. Maybe the whipping is too graphic for you – How about the nails driven into him? The crown of thorns on his head.
45 minutes later, I am still seated in this empty room, paralyzed. Paralyzed by the entire notion of it.
On the one hand, I have the advice – in some cases, the demand. The human voices convinced that that is/wasnt God. On the other hand, the quiet.
The quiet. Without ‘peace’. Without supernatural blazing graphics or spectacular sound effects. With alot of questions.